The Terrible Twos Are a Lie—It’s the Threes That’ll Get You
For context, as I write this post, my daughter, who is three and has been three for almost 6 months. And my son has only been two for a month by time this is posted.
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When I first heard about the “terrible twos,” I braced myself. Everyone talks about it—the tantrums, the defiance, the sudden independence that hits like a storm. I stocked up on books from the library, practiced my deep breathing, and reminded myself that it was all “just a phase.”
Then my child turned two… and it really wasn’t that bad.
Sure, there were meltdowns over not wanting to eat and bedtime, but overall, it felt like we were good. My two-year-old was still so little, still so cuddly, and easily redirected with a snack or silly face. And my one-year-old, was just watching and enjoying the ride.
So imagine my surprise when three hit.
Almost like a light switch.
Three brought a whole new level of intensity I was completely unprepared for. The emotional rollercoasters, the boundary testing, the "NO" shouted from across the room with the confidence of a seasoned protester. Suddenly, my tip and tricks weren’t working as well or at all. Baby girl has big feelings, and zero interest in compromise and her brother… right along with her (and he hasn’t formed sentences yet).
Here’s what I’ve learned and genuinely had to accept:
The “terrible twos” are mostly about transition.
The “threenager” stage? That’s about transformation.
What I have seen is, they are here:
Developing a stronger sense of identity (“I do it myself!”)
Testing the rules and your patience
Figuring out independence, but still emotionally overwhelmed
Practicing negotiation, argument, and storytelling (often all at once)
It’s not that they’re being “bad”—it’s that their brains are growing rapidly, and they don’t yet have the tools to manage all the new emotions and experiences. And honestly? Neither do we.
Here is what we are trying to help us survive (and sometimes even enjoy) the threes:
Structure + choices: Give options within limits (“Do you want the red cup or the blue one?”).
Name the feelings: “You’re frustrated because you wanted to do it yourself.”
Hold boundaries with love: It’s okay to say no and be kind.
Laugh a lot: The things they say are often hilarious, if we’re not too stressed to hear them.
Rest when you can: Seriously. You're parenting a tiny emotional tornado.
And lastly: Alot of vent sessions with my older sister.
So, if your two-year-old was a breeze and you’re wondering what happened at three, you’re not alone. You’re not failing. And your kid isn’t broken.
They’re just three.
And while this age may test your limits, it also gives you glimpses of who they’re becoming: creative, bold, curious, and deeply feeling.
Terrible? Maybe.
Transformative? Definitely.
🌿 Herbal Support for Calmer Days (and Nights)
As an herbalist and a parent, I’ve leaned into gentle, child-safe herbs to help regulate both their nervous systems—and mine. Here are a few favorites:
✦ Chamomile (Matricaria recutita)
A classic go-to for calming overstimulated little bodies. Chamomile tea (cooled and diluted) can be offered in a sippy cup, or added to bathwater for a relaxing wind-down. It helps with restlessness, irritability, and even tummy troubles.
✦ Lemon Balm (Melissa officinalis)
Known for its uplifting, anxiety-reducing effects. Add a bit of cooled lemon balm tea to water or popsicles, or infuse it into honey (for ages 1+) to serve on toast or by the spoon.
✦ Lavender (Lavandula angustifolia)
Not to ingest at this age, but perfect as a calming scent. Try a lavender pillow spray, a few drops in a diffuser, or a warm lavender foot soak before bed.
✦ Milky Oats (Avena sativa)
A gentle, nourishing herb for frazzled nerves—both yours and your child’s. It’s slow-acting but deeply restorative. Best given via glycerite or herbal syrup, and safe for long-term use.
🌼 Always consult a pediatric herbalist or healthcare provider before introducing herbs to your child’s routine, especially internally.